Loving as Long as I Can Love

And Living as Long as I Can Live.
thankful for a best friend
thankful for life to live
thankful for family
thankful for my health
thankful for people
thankful for opportunity
thankful for love
thankful for encouragement
thankful for forgiveness
thankful for sharing
thankful for freedom
thankful for safety
thankful for god
thankful for blue skies
thankful for music
thankful for example
thankful for flowers
thankful for more than a list could compile

Knockin' on Heaven's Door

I'll miss your hugs. The ones that squeeze me so tight that I cannot grab a breath of air. I'll miss your humongous smile that literally lights up the room. I'll miss sensing the passionate, servant-like vibe overflowing from your heart. You were a servant. I have talked to you since you left your earthly body. I wonder if you can hear me. I don't know how to handle this too well, Grampa. It brings an unfamiliar emotion, which leaves me feeling like a stranger in my own body. I like to think about you in heaven. It really makes me smile. It brings a few tears to my eyes at the same time. Even now. I'm nervous. I am scared -- for Dad, Gramma, and the rest of the family. We will be ok. It's ironic that death brings the importance of life to those that survived. My fear of death has to diminish, otherwise I will forget to live. It's comforting to know what a wonderful man you were. You loved us all so much, and so many others in this world. What an amazing person you were. I want to achieve the same. Allow me to do that. Send me encouragement, ok? I love you forever.

Freckles of Wonder

She is an incessant dreamer. The blank stare on her face is the daily gaze where she let's her soul swim. The chair she continually finds herself in is the chair that will one day turn into her dreams. She will no longer sit and dream, and a dream will no longer be called a dream. It will be reality.
She is a lover. It's what she knows how to do best. Her heart is ever so sensitive. She is a listener and an observer. She grows from her sensitivity to the world around her. She desires to match her words and her actions in a consistent fashion.
She fell for the one with blue eyes and a large heart. She never knew what real love was until he came along. It is not always easy, but it is always worth it. It is fragile and beautiful.
She likes a sunny day and freshly painted nails. She likes a large cup of coffee in her hand at any time of the day, iced or hot. She likes learning --through a book, a movie, a friend, a performance. She likes to seek spirituality. She loves to love her family. Dancing replaces her loss for words. She has little freckles of wonder. This 'wonder' for discovery and need for a daily passionate life. She'll never stop wondering. She is full of hope and excitement for each day to come. She will have freckles forever.

Staring into Space

It's funny.
I feel all the time that life is too predictable in this small town and my small life. I go to school, which tends to be predictable. I work on definite days, so that's predictable. I have dance on definite days. I know who my friends are every day that I wake up. With all of this said, life still plays back and throws in little surprises, good or bad.
Recently, my grandpa is in and out of the hospital. He collapsed, has some internal bleeding of the brain, and is continuously ill, lately. If I think about it too much my eyes fill up with large tear drops waiting to fall, and that lump develops in my throat when I try really hard to keep them from diving out.
Mr. Unpredictable has presented himself in other situations, but I find that in those moments that make me feel all shook up, it's okay. It's okay to feel shaken. For some reason, I'm always okay with having to open my eyes a little more even if it's hard in the process and those tears do roll down. Somehow, after they fall, I feel different. That's why being shaken is okay.
Never let fear take over peace.

cherry coffee and a blog

My first thought is, is it really March 15, 2008? That thought really blows my mind into a million different directions as I sit and listen to my family chatting at the table here in Mesa, Arizona. Those close to me know that Arizona is one of my favorite places to visit ("I just LOVE temPE!").

Day one has already been refreshing. My grandma's back porch faces the Superstition Mountains, as well as a golf course and vibrant flowers. I took a nap on a lawn chair in the sun and just when I was getting a bit too hot, the cool breeze would come. I woke up and went for a walk for about an hour. I just couldn't get enough of each smell that would whisk through each breeze. As I walked and listened to my (actually Mitch's) iPod (Coldplay, Sunny Day Real Estate, Matt Pond PA) I thought, you would like this. "This" being the peaceful pace, the friendly smiles from the elderly, the sweet smell in the air (that I always talk about), and some quality time just watching little tiny rabbits bop along. I love that there is never a minute of time between us taken for granted. I also love that you are doing what you love. :) Anyway, I thought of you today as I went about my business.

It is now dusk; my favorite time of day. It's funny to be surrounded by "old people." I use the words "old people" lightly because what is old anyway? Just someone older than me with more mileage on life's journey. This is why I love Arizona spring breaks though. It is a retreat from my ritualistic life, whether it be too much dessert eaten or an abundance of hugs from my Grampa or mountains to admire as opposed to flat land. Last year's trip here served as a new beginning. It was the start of all things new--my sweet Mitchell, new friends, and a new me. I'm not sure just yet what this year's trip serves. I intend on it being a time for rejuvenation for life. I always get plenty of time to meditate and make goals for myself before I return to Abilene. This time around I will also squeeze in plenty of time to rehearse my numbers for Chameleon, which is the week I get back. Unfortunately, this time also includes lots of dreaded homework. But let's not create any sort of cynicism.

The scene: A dark sky outside covering the beautiful mountains and flowers. A table stacked with dominoes with a few "old people" picking their next move :). And I am about to use my time wisely by dancing and reading. Life is good. I mean it. I feel so blessed as each day passes.

desperate discovery

"We are just breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys."
-Ingrid Michaelson

"All we can do is keep breathing."
-Ingrid Michaelson

"I want to change the world
Instead I sleep..."
-Ingrid Michaelson

I have a large and I suppose, cliche dream. It's true; I want to change the world. I want to dive into situations that go unnoticed. I want to get my hands dirty and peel my eyes open to an extent so far that change must occur. It is one of my greatest desires to love on other people and forget all the worries in my life that do not matter. So, one day I will hopefully stop sleeping and discover what my heart longs for.

The Sound of February

There are some things in life that just seem unknowable --the past, present or future -- and maybe my thinking in this thought has been far too influenced from my English class; I realize that this thought dances in my mind quite frequently. Most of the time, I find that when I think of the unknowable, it is the future that comes to mind, but the past and the present must not be left out. I tend to be a worry wart and have to make the effort to stop and just live. I like the fact that my life is a mystery. It leaves room for surprise and reward or, a new lesson learned and, love to be given or received. And as for now, I am breathing through a constant slew of activities.
I am so glad that Valentines is over. Bitter? No. My Valentine was sweet to me, but working in a flower shop during this holiday--yikes. It wasn't so bad. We stayed pretty organized and level-headed (most of us). I listened to many young, middle-aged, and old men conjure up a flirtatious note to attach to their dozen roses and through it all, I learned even more about flowers and strengthened a few skills. I'd like to think that after seven and a half months I'm developing a strong eye for floral design.
I am loving life. I like the fact that I'm in school and being productive. I like my job and its creative outlet. I like dance for the most part and I am excited to perform next month. I love the people (person) in my life. It gets better every day. I am glad that I was brave recently. I look forward to what's to come. I always want to be better--live better. I have been struggling with my faith more so than usual, but I feel struggling is better than just existing and remaining stagnant. So, in conclusion, I'm living alright and doing just fine.