and i cannot tell you (two blogs in one night)

It is hard for me. It is daily hard for me, but my gramma. My tough Gramma's heart is softening and breaking. She's seeing the world through a pair of eyes never used before. A world of grief.

It is hard for me to look back to blogs I wrote in March. It's harder to think about April 18 and that porch that looks out to the Superstitions. The smell of grapefruits and losing a breath from such a strong hug. Remembering the taste of cherry coffee after dinner and a large sunset out the window of a cool Arizona night. The feeling of a sunburn and then the hero bringing the relief of an aloe vera plant when we were young. The spring break visit in March. I still remember his words to me after I asked how he was. "Ah, Lindy. Better now that you're here." I still remember a month after walking into the same house and losing all composure from that very memory.
It's still so unreal. It's still so empty. And it's been months. I'm still sad and it has been months, but I am happy that my Grampa is smiling. Smiling uncontrollably. He always was and I have no doubt in my mind that he is now. He is still going to remind me of living passionately. These memories--they are great ones. I am sad in these memories, but grateful to what they hold. It's hard to let good people go.

"It's a beautiful, but bitter dream.
God and all his wisdom takes the people that you love the most.
When the walls close in and it's hard to breathe.
May the ones you love be the ones you keep."

On a less emotional note, I still fear death after being inspired to drop that fear from my Grampa's passing. How do I keep from fearing death? I fear losing the rest of my greatly loved ones, and I fear my own death. I am not necessarily afraid of the afterlife, but there's something about just dying that scares me. What is a way I can demolish this fear?

squeaky swings and tall trees

This kind of image is most always in my mind's eye. I am developing a love for plants. I never had any kind of relationship with plants while working at The Arrangement, other than with a spathaphyllum, (more commonly known as a "peace lily") until I started working at Philpott's. I am becoming a plant lover. I have so much to learn about plants, but I can tell you that...

• Chinese Evergreens and Corn plants do not like to drink hardly any water. Water every 6 weeks.
  

• Orchids, and most all blooming plants love light.

• Monkey puzzle plants are matched with imagery over the phone as, "fingers spread apart."

• The peace lily is most popularly sent for funerals.

• Ivy's last FOREVER.

I guess that was more of a test for me, to sit and think what I could tell you about plants. So far, I love hanging ivy's, orchids, and begonias (although begonias are finicky). I see a different kind of plant every single day though, so I imagine my favorites will change. Almost daily.

I am not getting to arrange hardly at all, but occasionally. As much as it leaves me frustrated, I really do not have any complaints. And as much as I don't want to admit it, I think this job has been several steps up the stairs to my goal. So, to those that took my complaints during my transition and adjustment: I'm sorry! I guess I'm not so good at change, but workin' on it!

The reason I would say I can't complain about not getting to arrange is because of a few things:
-It has blown me away at how much I've learned just from sitting on the fence watching the three other florists' design. They probably have no idea how much I actually watch them and all their little tricks, down to the way they hold their knives when they cut their flowers.
-While I have not been able to arrange, I have been able to help numerous clients and customers. I thought I had learned a lot at The Arrangement in this area, but to my surprise I had a lot more to learn. There are so many emotions involved in this business--a funeral, an anniversary, a birthday, an illness. I have passed out hugs, kleenexes, smiles and advice.
-Forming a solid list of things I do(s) and don't(s) for my future shop. DO: Have a vase full of interchangeable mints/candy on the front counter. DO: Play great music. DON'T: Play the same Christmas CD starting November 1. Ending January 1. YIKES!
-I am strengthening phone skills. It really is some kind of psychology and I feel most confident after a year and a half.
The list could go on and on and on and on. Maybe we can have a cup of coffee and talk about it instead, reader. :)

I think there are a few places I am most happy (in no particular order)...
1. To just lie down in a conservatory packed with plants and flowers.
2. A gym.
3. Secluded with my favorite music. Preferably coffee, books, and nail polishes as attendants.
4. With this sweet boy, in this sweet city and all our family.


And the lists go on and on and on.

And I sing,

"I don't recall a single care
just greenery and humid air"

very ambitious and slightly cheesy, but true

Recently, I have had a few things on my mind. I've started asking the question, "Who is at my table?"
If I am only surrounded by those I love or ones I have already established a great level of comfort with, where is the challenge and the need to learn? I grow from discovering new people and who they are. I can't surround myself with just me, because other than that getting boring, I need to saturate my world with the opportunity of growth and interaction. I want to keep the ones I love, but I want to fill my table with strangers and have a feast.
I consider myself an inspired person, but my inspiration must ooze to strangers. I want a large, open and welcoming table.
I want to learn the true meaning of the word, share. I want to remember to seek out wisdom. I want to seek out someone different than me. I want to seek out the pessimist and the optimist. I want to seek the happy and the sad.
I never want to stop searching and filling a table full of life. One that feasts on wisdom and love, community and compassion. And most importantly, I want to live simply. I want to open my eyes each morning and let that be enough, no expectations other than being outrageously thankful for the day that arrived and chase after passionate living, those less priviledged, and those who can teach me. I want to keep the ones I love and follow paths that lead me to abundance.

consulting a west texas sunset

I've had these brief moments, time is standing still and I expand my vision to soak up what's really around me. The Texas sky stared at me while I stared right back. My eyes locked into a deep orange ocean, matched with strokes of peaches and velvety purples. To my right there were fields of wild sunflowers and barbwire fences, and I think someday I will have a nostalgia for this particular scenery. Even now, although I don't have Texas pride, I can appreciate the scene described. After all, this is home, 21 years of home. It is a display of my wonderful family, my education, my childhood memories, important people, things that made me who I am today. I guess it was an element of nostalgia already, some kind of admiration and tribute to my home.

Today I thought about a babysitter I had at one point in my life. She was left-handed. Lauren and I always wanted to train ourselves to be left-handed. Alicia always practiced with us, teaching us different left handed techniques: how to hold a pen, how to hold kitchen utensils. Then I realized, as a florist I am a "lefty" and a "righty". My left hand is just as strong as my right when I design. I felt like I should call Alicia and tell her the exciting news. ;) At least my sister anyway.

Last random thought of the day, I processed too many carnations today. I wish carnations did not exist.

I am ready to close my eyes. Today was good and the night was better. I am looking forward to breakfast and a cup of coffee, as I always do. I like small joys like bowls of cereal and a really good song before the work day.

Sweet dreams!

there will be snacks

Currently obsessed with the sounds of Bon Iver.
Currently working on planning Kim and Philip's wedding flowers. It's a hefty task, but one I enjoy so much. I'm thankful for Kim's willingness to let me in on this opportunity. I am so excited to have this experience as my own. I'll face hundreds of critics, and I'll be excited to hear the feedback. It will be nice to have this creative freedom, due to my current work situation stifling my abilities to flower arrange. I started a job at a flower shop called "Philpott." It is a shop that has been in business for a whopping eighty-eight years. How insane, that is a very long time. Anyway, I will make the best of my world.

I am anticipating a new week. It has already started off right with the pleasure of seeing a busy Rocketboy passing through. I will look forward to making each day count and seeking out what is awesome. I get to watch my cousin get married this weekend in Waco. I am so excited. I'll get to spend time with my family; those moments are cherished, as they are few and far between. I've been calling my Gramma on a regular basis. (Refer to previous blog: "never too late to thicken relationships.") We cried together one night last week remembering Grampa. Anyway, I am getting into a serious routine here in ole Abilene. I keep dreaming of my future flower shop. Hopefully, partial coffee shop, too. I even think of names for the shop. Any ideas? "The Flower Grind." Ha.

I am craving coffee. Off I go.

ideal

coffee on my taste buds
a lot of music tickling my ear drum
skin crawling with happy, sweet relief from the hot air
learning: new flower tricks, how to accept change and grow from it, what a good friend is, how important I am, what real trust feels like...
music music music music
music
music
waiting to find a good book
learning it's never too late to thicken relationships
progressing: in communication, as a human, in life, as a florist
forgetting about me, but remembering me when it matters
realizing i'm never going to have it all figured out, but how important it is to constantly SEEK
consistent spirituality,
good vibes, genuineness

change at its best

The surprises never end and it's a good thing I can only see one step at a time. I'm experiencing change at its best.

It's funny that I continuously think I understand certain aspects of life, but then I find I am gently nudged by truly tasting each endeavor. I have to "seize the day" and embark on a new lesson learned. It's a time to embrace. I've faced emotions I had no clue I'd wear this year - the loss of someone so dear, extreme love, and now change. This day felt a little like New Year's Eve, like I'm on the edge of newness... that jittery feeling, almost scared, but more ecstatic for the thrill of something fresh. I can only look forward to what's to come. Lately, I have been jazzed with a huge symphony of positive energy. We are like magnets. It's better than chocolate, better than a good book, or a new hairstyle. The things I have thought would be terrible are really going to be the best things that could happen. A month is not long, "distance makes the heart grow fonder" and a career change is not something to dread. It's newness at its finest, appreciation and change and curiosity. I'm ready.