and i cannot tell you (two blogs in one night)

It is hard for me. It is daily hard for me, but my gramma. My tough Gramma's heart is softening and breaking. She's seeing the world through a pair of eyes never used before. A world of grief.

It is hard for me to look back to blogs I wrote in March. It's harder to think about April 18 and that porch that looks out to the Superstitions. The smell of grapefruits and losing a breath from such a strong hug. Remembering the taste of cherry coffee after dinner and a large sunset out the window of a cool Arizona night. The feeling of a sunburn and then the hero bringing the relief of an aloe vera plant when we were young. The spring break visit in March. I still remember his words to me after I asked how he was. "Ah, Lindy. Better now that you're here." I still remember a month after walking into the same house and losing all composure from that very memory.
It's still so unreal. It's still so empty. And it's been months. I'm still sad and it has been months, but I am happy that my Grampa is smiling. Smiling uncontrollably. He always was and I have no doubt in my mind that he is now. He is still going to remind me of living passionately. These memories--they are great ones. I am sad in these memories, but grateful to what they hold. It's hard to let good people go.

"It's a beautiful, but bitter dream.
God and all his wisdom takes the people that you love the most.
When the walls close in and it's hard to breathe.
May the ones you love be the ones you keep."

On a less emotional note, I still fear death after being inspired to drop that fear from my Grampa's passing. How do I keep from fearing death? I fear losing the rest of my greatly loved ones, and I fear my own death. I am not necessarily afraid of the afterlife, but there's something about just dying that scares me. What is a way I can demolish this fear?

squeaky swings and tall trees

This kind of image is most always in my mind's eye. I am developing a love for plants. I never had any kind of relationship with plants while working at The Arrangement, other than with a spathaphyllum, (more commonly known as a "peace lily") until I started working at Philpott's. I am becoming a plant lover. I have so much to learn about plants, but I can tell you that...

• Chinese Evergreens and Corn plants do not like to drink hardly any water. Water every 6 weeks.
  

• Orchids, and most all blooming plants love light.

• Monkey puzzle plants are matched with imagery over the phone as, "fingers spread apart."

• The peace lily is most popularly sent for funerals.

• Ivy's last FOREVER.

I guess that was more of a test for me, to sit and think what I could tell you about plants. So far, I love hanging ivy's, orchids, and begonias (although begonias are finicky). I see a different kind of plant every single day though, so I imagine my favorites will change. Almost daily.

I am not getting to arrange hardly at all, but occasionally. As much as it leaves me frustrated, I really do not have any complaints. And as much as I don't want to admit it, I think this job has been several steps up the stairs to my goal. So, to those that took my complaints during my transition and adjustment: I'm sorry! I guess I'm not so good at change, but workin' on it!

The reason I would say I can't complain about not getting to arrange is because of a few things:
-It has blown me away at how much I've learned just from sitting on the fence watching the three other florists' design. They probably have no idea how much I actually watch them and all their little tricks, down to the way they hold their knives when they cut their flowers.
-While I have not been able to arrange, I have been able to help numerous clients and customers. I thought I had learned a lot at The Arrangement in this area, but to my surprise I had a lot more to learn. There are so many emotions involved in this business--a funeral, an anniversary, a birthday, an illness. I have passed out hugs, kleenexes, smiles and advice.
-Forming a solid list of things I do(s) and don't(s) for my future shop. DO: Have a vase full of interchangeable mints/candy on the front counter. DO: Play great music. DON'T: Play the same Christmas CD starting November 1. Ending January 1. YIKES!
-I am strengthening phone skills. It really is some kind of psychology and I feel most confident after a year and a half.
The list could go on and on and on and on. Maybe we can have a cup of coffee and talk about it instead, reader. :)

I think there are a few places I am most happy (in no particular order)...
1. To just lie down in a conservatory packed with plants and flowers.
2. A gym.
3. Secluded with my favorite music. Preferably coffee, books, and nail polishes as attendants.
4. With this sweet boy, in this sweet city and all our family.


And the lists go on and on and on.

And I sing,

"I don't recall a single care
just greenery and humid air"