and i cannot tell you (two blogs in one night)

It is hard for me. It is daily hard for me, but my gramma. My tough Gramma's heart is softening and breaking. She's seeing the world through a pair of eyes never used before. A world of grief.

It is hard for me to look back to blogs I wrote in March. It's harder to think about April 18 and that porch that looks out to the Superstitions. The smell of grapefruits and losing a breath from such a strong hug. Remembering the taste of cherry coffee after dinner and a large sunset out the window of a cool Arizona night. The feeling of a sunburn and then the hero bringing the relief of an aloe vera plant when we were young. The spring break visit in March. I still remember his words to me after I asked how he was. "Ah, Lindy. Better now that you're here." I still remember a month after walking into the same house and losing all composure from that very memory.
It's still so unreal. It's still so empty. And it's been months. I'm still sad and it has been months, but I am happy that my Grampa is smiling. Smiling uncontrollably. He always was and I have no doubt in my mind that he is now. He is still going to remind me of living passionately. These memories--they are great ones. I am sad in these memories, but grateful to what they hold. It's hard to let good people go.

"It's a beautiful, but bitter dream.
God and all his wisdom takes the people that you love the most.
When the walls close in and it's hard to breathe.
May the ones you love be the ones you keep."

On a less emotional note, I still fear death after being inspired to drop that fear from my Grampa's passing. How do I keep from fearing death? I fear losing the rest of my greatly loved ones, and I fear my own death. I am not necessarily afraid of the afterlife, but there's something about just dying that scares me. What is a way I can demolish this fear?

squeaky swings and tall trees

This kind of image is most always in my mind's eye. I am developing a love for plants. I never had any kind of relationship with plants while working at The Arrangement, other than with a spathaphyllum, (more commonly known as a "peace lily") until I started working at Philpott's. I am becoming a plant lover. I have so much to learn about plants, but I can tell you that...

• Chinese Evergreens and Corn plants do not like to drink hardly any water. Water every 6 weeks.
  

• Orchids, and most all blooming plants love light.

• Monkey puzzle plants are matched with imagery over the phone as, "fingers spread apart."

• The peace lily is most popularly sent for funerals.

• Ivy's last FOREVER.

I guess that was more of a test for me, to sit and think what I could tell you about plants. So far, I love hanging ivy's, orchids, and begonias (although begonias are finicky). I see a different kind of plant every single day though, so I imagine my favorites will change. Almost daily.

I am not getting to arrange hardly at all, but occasionally. As much as it leaves me frustrated, I really do not have any complaints. And as much as I don't want to admit it, I think this job has been several steps up the stairs to my goal. So, to those that took my complaints during my transition and adjustment: I'm sorry! I guess I'm not so good at change, but workin' on it!

The reason I would say I can't complain about not getting to arrange is because of a few things:
-It has blown me away at how much I've learned just from sitting on the fence watching the three other florists' design. They probably have no idea how much I actually watch them and all their little tricks, down to the way they hold their knives when they cut their flowers.
-While I have not been able to arrange, I have been able to help numerous clients and customers. I thought I had learned a lot at The Arrangement in this area, but to my surprise I had a lot more to learn. There are so many emotions involved in this business--a funeral, an anniversary, a birthday, an illness. I have passed out hugs, kleenexes, smiles and advice.
-Forming a solid list of things I do(s) and don't(s) for my future shop. DO: Have a vase full of interchangeable mints/candy on the front counter. DO: Play great music. DON'T: Play the same Christmas CD starting November 1. Ending January 1. YIKES!
-I am strengthening phone skills. It really is some kind of psychology and I feel most confident after a year and a half.
The list could go on and on and on and on. Maybe we can have a cup of coffee and talk about it instead, reader. :)

I think there are a few places I am most happy (in no particular order)...
1. To just lie down in a conservatory packed with plants and flowers.
2. A gym.
3. Secluded with my favorite music. Preferably coffee, books, and nail polishes as attendants.
4. With this sweet boy, in this sweet city and all our family.


And the lists go on and on and on.

And I sing,

"I don't recall a single care
just greenery and humid air"

very ambitious and slightly cheesy, but true

Recently, I have had a few things on my mind. I've started asking the question, "Who is at my table?"
If I am only surrounded by those I love or ones I have already established a great level of comfort with, where is the challenge and the need to learn? I grow from discovering new people and who they are. I can't surround myself with just me, because other than that getting boring, I need to saturate my world with the opportunity of growth and interaction. I want to keep the ones I love, but I want to fill my table with strangers and have a feast.
I consider myself an inspired person, but my inspiration must ooze to strangers. I want a large, open and welcoming table.
I want to learn the true meaning of the word, share. I want to remember to seek out wisdom. I want to seek out someone different than me. I want to seek out the pessimist and the optimist. I want to seek the happy and the sad.
I never want to stop searching and filling a table full of life. One that feasts on wisdom and love, community and compassion. And most importantly, I want to live simply. I want to open my eyes each morning and let that be enough, no expectations other than being outrageously thankful for the day that arrived and chase after passionate living, those less priviledged, and those who can teach me. I want to keep the ones I love and follow paths that lead me to abundance.

consulting a west texas sunset

I've had these brief moments, time is standing still and I expand my vision to soak up what's really around me. The Texas sky stared at me while I stared right back. My eyes locked into a deep orange ocean, matched with strokes of peaches and velvety purples. To my right there were fields of wild sunflowers and barbwire fences, and I think someday I will have a nostalgia for this particular scenery. Even now, although I don't have Texas pride, I can appreciate the scene described. After all, this is home, 21 years of home. It is a display of my wonderful family, my education, my childhood memories, important people, things that made me who I am today. I guess it was an element of nostalgia already, some kind of admiration and tribute to my home.

Today I thought about a babysitter I had at one point in my life. She was left-handed. Lauren and I always wanted to train ourselves to be left-handed. Alicia always practiced with us, teaching us different left handed techniques: how to hold a pen, how to hold kitchen utensils. Then I realized, as a florist I am a "lefty" and a "righty". My left hand is just as strong as my right when I design. I felt like I should call Alicia and tell her the exciting news. ;) At least my sister anyway.

Last random thought of the day, I processed too many carnations today. I wish carnations did not exist.

I am ready to close my eyes. Today was good and the night was better. I am looking forward to breakfast and a cup of coffee, as I always do. I like small joys like bowls of cereal and a really good song before the work day.

Sweet dreams!

there will be snacks

Currently obsessed with the sounds of Bon Iver.
Currently working on planning Kim and Philip's wedding flowers. It's a hefty task, but one I enjoy so much. I'm thankful for Kim's willingness to let me in on this opportunity. I am so excited to have this experience as my own. I'll face hundreds of critics, and I'll be excited to hear the feedback. It will be nice to have this creative freedom, due to my current work situation stifling my abilities to flower arrange. I started a job at a flower shop called "Philpott." It is a shop that has been in business for a whopping eighty-eight years. How insane, that is a very long time. Anyway, I will make the best of my world.

I am anticipating a new week. It has already started off right with the pleasure of seeing a busy Rocketboy passing through. I will look forward to making each day count and seeking out what is awesome. I get to watch my cousin get married this weekend in Waco. I am so excited. I'll get to spend time with my family; those moments are cherished, as they are few and far between. I've been calling my Gramma on a regular basis. (Refer to previous blog: "never too late to thicken relationships.") We cried together one night last week remembering Grampa. Anyway, I am getting into a serious routine here in ole Abilene. I keep dreaming of my future flower shop. Hopefully, partial coffee shop, too. I even think of names for the shop. Any ideas? "The Flower Grind." Ha.

I am craving coffee. Off I go.

ideal

coffee on my taste buds
a lot of music tickling my ear drum
skin crawling with happy, sweet relief from the hot air
learning: new flower tricks, how to accept change and grow from it, what a good friend is, how important I am, what real trust feels like...
music music music music
music
music
waiting to find a good book
learning it's never too late to thicken relationships
progressing: in communication, as a human, in life, as a florist
forgetting about me, but remembering me when it matters
realizing i'm never going to have it all figured out, but how important it is to constantly SEEK
consistent spirituality,
good vibes, genuineness

change at its best

The surprises never end and it's a good thing I can only see one step at a time. I'm experiencing change at its best.

It's funny that I continuously think I understand certain aspects of life, but then I find I am gently nudged by truly tasting each endeavor. I have to "seize the day" and embark on a new lesson learned. It's a time to embrace. I've faced emotions I had no clue I'd wear this year - the loss of someone so dear, extreme love, and now change. This day felt a little like New Year's Eve, like I'm on the edge of newness... that jittery feeling, almost scared, but more ecstatic for the thrill of something fresh. I can only look forward to what's to come. Lately, I have been jazzed with a huge symphony of positive energy. We are like magnets. It's better than chocolate, better than a good book, or a new hairstyle. The things I have thought would be terrible are really going to be the best things that could happen. A month is not long, "distance makes the heart grow fonder" and a career change is not something to dread. It's newness at its finest, appreciation and change and curiosity. I'm ready.

wide awake

Tonight makes the second night I am unable to sleep.
It is 1:41 a.m. and I am exhausted, yet staring through my teary eyes at my computer screen. I'm unsure of how to explain what it is that is keeping me awake at night. This is one of those situations that I don't think words will do justice. My heart feels much more than words. A lot of times I think my heart is so enormously sensitive that it just overflows into tears because it has nowhere else to go. I genuinely just care so much for others that sometimes it keeps my mind stirring. (I mean that in no, toot-your-own-horn-kind-of-way.) That is where I find myself tonight. The only thing I knew to do was write.
I had the opportunity to meet my friend Sarah's Dad. In order to keep this short, I will leave out many details. So you can have an idea - her Dad has had 10-12 strokes from the age of 43 until now, 55. I had the opportunity of meeting him last weekend when we went to Dallas for the HHRB show. I was nervous because I knew my reactive heart would feel a lot. Therefore, I knew I would end up where I am right now: awake. I feel so much for him. When I think of him, and when I see his image in my mind, I cannot help but smile and feel a very strange connection to this man. I just see the importance of life in him. He represents what love is, what truth is, what acceptance and contentment is. It is unbelievable. He is completely out of control of his life; he is taken care of by nurses and family, he is limited to a wheelchair, and he is the sweetest and happiest man I have met in a long time. He absolutely radiates, glows, and is an outpour of the Lord. I really believe it. I can't say I have had many experiences where I can say I believe something like that, but I truly do. He is God's and that is all there is to it. God has complete control of him and his life. And he is completely happy. I think that speaks large and loud to us - to me.
On another note, today I really, really missed my Grampa. I have moments where I realize that I'll never see him again. I was making a flower arrangement again today and for some reason my mind went to my future. I thought of moments like when I have a career, when I get married, when I have kids, and my Grampa won't be there. Those things make it reality for me. It carried my thoughts to my Gramma, who is struggling terribly. Once again, my heart overflows with sympathy, for Gramma, my Dad, my family, and myself. I want to see my Grampa right now, and I want one of those infamous hugs... so, so bad. Instead I will just continue to find ways to accept and live inspired. That is all that I can take from these moments. Inspired is a good note to end on.

juneday

Today I prayed Psalm 19:14, "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer" first thing when I heard my alarm go off. I worked a full day, and concentrated on the two arrangements I needed to make. Those flowers had my full attention. I thought about the reaction they would create and I liked the thought. A man came in today looking a little down, as he informed me he and his wife had lost their dog of 16 years yesterday. He wanted a dozen roses to cheer her up. Sweet moments in the flower business - I love it. I like the opportunity of lending out a comforting word before the flowers speak. I have kept my dedication to 4 miles a day. My legs are sore from those long walks every day. I love it, it's relaxing. I really, really miss dance so far this summer. I keep dreaming of dancing. It felt a little like someone had put my life on pause today, a feeling that made it seem like I was living but not necessarily going forward. It was just a slow, summer day though and I realized how much I like moving forward. I don't mind a summer day. I sat with Bentley for a little bit tonight and thought about the missing piece of that puzzle. My two favorite boys. Now I find myself in my bed, in an air conditioned house and I am thankful. Thankful is a good note to end on.

charisma in reality

I find inspiration in various forms, in the smallest and largest ways. It seems that inspiration walks in and out of my everyday. Today it started small, with the mere beauty in a glimpse of sunshine, that lead to an unexplored day. I started the day off with coffee and a good conversation, two of my favorite things. Saying a small prayer and basking in the sun revamped any pessimism. Listening to realities and tough roads traveled in one's life pushed me a little out of my comfort, just enough to inspire me. Remembering my sweet Grampa, and admiring the world of art through dance moved me. It moved me to keep moving. Lately, I have been inspired by flowers. Flowers always serve a smile. They capture insane detail and color in a very intricate way. I have said it before, and I'll say it again. I have a great need to serve others, and I know this desire comes from people in my life like my Mom, Dad, my Grandparents and friends. I truly believe that flowers will provide a great role in my life in fulfilling my aspiration to serve. As the day comes to an end, I can only await another day to serve royally in an inspirational way.

caught between this and that

I have not written in so long. lindyfowler.blogspot is still alive, still anxious to write! I have either not had the time or have been fishing for something worth reading. I know you, whoever you are, are aching for something to read! ;)

Loving as Long as I Can Love

And Living as Long as I Can Live.
thankful for a best friend
thankful for life to live
thankful for family
thankful for my health
thankful for people
thankful for opportunity
thankful for love
thankful for encouragement
thankful for forgiveness
thankful for sharing
thankful for freedom
thankful for safety
thankful for god
thankful for blue skies
thankful for music
thankful for example
thankful for flowers
thankful for more than a list could compile

Knockin' on Heaven's Door

I'll miss your hugs. The ones that squeeze me so tight that I cannot grab a breath of air. I'll miss your humongous smile that literally lights up the room. I'll miss sensing the passionate, servant-like vibe overflowing from your heart. You were a servant. I have talked to you since you left your earthly body. I wonder if you can hear me. I don't know how to handle this too well, Grampa. It brings an unfamiliar emotion, which leaves me feeling like a stranger in my own body. I like to think about you in heaven. It really makes me smile. It brings a few tears to my eyes at the same time. Even now. I'm nervous. I am scared -- for Dad, Gramma, and the rest of the family. We will be ok. It's ironic that death brings the importance of life to those that survived. My fear of death has to diminish, otherwise I will forget to live. It's comforting to know what a wonderful man you were. You loved us all so much, and so many others in this world. What an amazing person you were. I want to achieve the same. Allow me to do that. Send me encouragement, ok? I love you forever.

Freckles of Wonder

She is an incessant dreamer. The blank stare on her face is the daily gaze where she let's her soul swim. The chair she continually finds herself in is the chair that will one day turn into her dreams. She will no longer sit and dream, and a dream will no longer be called a dream. It will be reality.
She is a lover. It's what she knows how to do best. Her heart is ever so sensitive. She is a listener and an observer. She grows from her sensitivity to the world around her. She desires to match her words and her actions in a consistent fashion.
She fell for the one with blue eyes and a large heart. She never knew what real love was until he came along. It is not always easy, but it is always worth it. It is fragile and beautiful.
She likes a sunny day and freshly painted nails. She likes a large cup of coffee in her hand at any time of the day, iced or hot. She likes learning --through a book, a movie, a friend, a performance. She likes to seek spirituality. She loves to love her family. Dancing replaces her loss for words. She has little freckles of wonder. This 'wonder' for discovery and need for a daily passionate life. She'll never stop wondering. She is full of hope and excitement for each day to come. She will have freckles forever.

Staring into Space

It's funny.
I feel all the time that life is too predictable in this small town and my small life. I go to school, which tends to be predictable. I work on definite days, so that's predictable. I have dance on definite days. I know who my friends are every day that I wake up. With all of this said, life still plays back and throws in little surprises, good or bad.
Recently, my grandpa is in and out of the hospital. He collapsed, has some internal bleeding of the brain, and is continuously ill, lately. If I think about it too much my eyes fill up with large tear drops waiting to fall, and that lump develops in my throat when I try really hard to keep them from diving out.
Mr. Unpredictable has presented himself in other situations, but I find that in those moments that make me feel all shook up, it's okay. It's okay to feel shaken. For some reason, I'm always okay with having to open my eyes a little more even if it's hard in the process and those tears do roll down. Somehow, after they fall, I feel different. That's why being shaken is okay.
Never let fear take over peace.

cherry coffee and a blog

My first thought is, is it really March 15, 2008? That thought really blows my mind into a million different directions as I sit and listen to my family chatting at the table here in Mesa, Arizona. Those close to me know that Arizona is one of my favorite places to visit ("I just LOVE temPE!").

Day one has already been refreshing. My grandma's back porch faces the Superstition Mountains, as well as a golf course and vibrant flowers. I took a nap on a lawn chair in the sun and just when I was getting a bit too hot, the cool breeze would come. I woke up and went for a walk for about an hour. I just couldn't get enough of each smell that would whisk through each breeze. As I walked and listened to my (actually Mitch's) iPod (Coldplay, Sunny Day Real Estate, Matt Pond PA) I thought, you would like this. "This" being the peaceful pace, the friendly smiles from the elderly, the sweet smell in the air (that I always talk about), and some quality time just watching little tiny rabbits bop along. I love that there is never a minute of time between us taken for granted. I also love that you are doing what you love. :) Anyway, I thought of you today as I went about my business.

It is now dusk; my favorite time of day. It's funny to be surrounded by "old people." I use the words "old people" lightly because what is old anyway? Just someone older than me with more mileage on life's journey. This is why I love Arizona spring breaks though. It is a retreat from my ritualistic life, whether it be too much dessert eaten or an abundance of hugs from my Grampa or mountains to admire as opposed to flat land. Last year's trip here served as a new beginning. It was the start of all things new--my sweet Mitchell, new friends, and a new me. I'm not sure just yet what this year's trip serves. I intend on it being a time for rejuvenation for life. I always get plenty of time to meditate and make goals for myself before I return to Abilene. This time around I will also squeeze in plenty of time to rehearse my numbers for Chameleon, which is the week I get back. Unfortunately, this time also includes lots of dreaded homework. But let's not create any sort of cynicism.

The scene: A dark sky outside covering the beautiful mountains and flowers. A table stacked with dominoes with a few "old people" picking their next move :). And I am about to use my time wisely by dancing and reading. Life is good. I mean it. I feel so blessed as each day passes.

desperate discovery

"We are just breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys."
-Ingrid Michaelson

"All we can do is keep breathing."
-Ingrid Michaelson

"I want to change the world
Instead I sleep..."
-Ingrid Michaelson

I have a large and I suppose, cliche dream. It's true; I want to change the world. I want to dive into situations that go unnoticed. I want to get my hands dirty and peel my eyes open to an extent so far that change must occur. It is one of my greatest desires to love on other people and forget all the worries in my life that do not matter. So, one day I will hopefully stop sleeping and discover what my heart longs for.

The Sound of February

There are some things in life that just seem unknowable --the past, present or future -- and maybe my thinking in this thought has been far too influenced from my English class; I realize that this thought dances in my mind quite frequently. Most of the time, I find that when I think of the unknowable, it is the future that comes to mind, but the past and the present must not be left out. I tend to be a worry wart and have to make the effort to stop and just live. I like the fact that my life is a mystery. It leaves room for surprise and reward or, a new lesson learned and, love to be given or received. And as for now, I am breathing through a constant slew of activities.
I am so glad that Valentines is over. Bitter? No. My Valentine was sweet to me, but working in a flower shop during this holiday--yikes. It wasn't so bad. We stayed pretty organized and level-headed (most of us). I listened to many young, middle-aged, and old men conjure up a flirtatious note to attach to their dozen roses and through it all, I learned even more about flowers and strengthened a few skills. I'd like to think that after seven and a half months I'm developing a strong eye for floral design.
I am loving life. I like the fact that I'm in school and being productive. I like my job and its creative outlet. I like dance for the most part and I am excited to perform next month. I love the people (person) in my life. It gets better every day. I am glad that I was brave recently. I look forward to what's to come. I always want to be better--live better. I have been struggling with my faith more so than usual, but I feel struggling is better than just existing and remaining stagnant. So, in conclusion, I'm living alright and doing just fine.

To be Edited.

Life is moving so swiftly. There has been a lot going on, and many changes taking place. Once I get a breather from all this, I'll inform you guys.

Main thoughts...
I am starving to love and help others.
I love Mitch.
School is going well.
Dance is having its ups-and-downs, more ups recently.


Love to all.

Edit soon.