sunday

I wish there were cloudless skies, but not today. And there will be no more wishing.

There is always room for change. The good kind of change. The change that molds me into me. You know? I'm not talking about changing my hair color (even though I've had the urge, big surprise). I'm talking about true refinement as a human being. And I will not wish anymore. Do you ever realize how much you just wish... that it was warmer? that you were on vacation? that you were not working today? that X situation was different? I don't know, but I am just sick of wishing! After all, you end up living some bizarre dream. The dream that you wake up from a year later wishing again, that you hadn't wished so much. Because look where you landed.

Today at church I had a really hard time focusing. My head just kept drifting into my own world. I want to discover how to truly live compassionately. That's all I could think about. I looked at people around me, and everyone acted like they had it all together, nodding their heads largely when the preacher made a good point, raising their hands way up to the sky during a moving moment in worship, and I wondered. I wondered what those people would look like truly stripped down. But anyway, I find myself every now and then living in a lazy manner, constantly making pointless statements like "I'm freeeezing! BRRRR!" or "Only 1 more hour until 6:00!" You know, those statements. The ones that make life drab and annoy people around you. No more of that. I really want to be a bubbly, happy, positive, fun, loving, caring, great listener, and friend to all. So I'm trying to figure this life out. Figure out how to make it marvelously mine, with the control out of my hands. I'm not anywhere close to figuring it out, but I'm searching.

I love those conversations that help you see something in a different light. That is why two is better than one. That's all.

Anyway, between the distractions in Austin Java and the internet, I am losing sight of this blog. I said a few things and I guess that's where I'll leave it. I'm going to hear those talented Rocketboys record. Until next time.

discovering seasons of change

I am not looking back, nor am I looking forward. I find myself living. In this moment that I am breathing, and accepting the fresh air with a warm hug I feel mostly content. There is a part of me feeling like while life is swinging swiftly -- back and forth, and back and forth -- I am still on the brink of something. I really don't know if I could explain the feeling in words, but it is there and it does not want to be ignored. I wonder constantly what this tug at my heart is. This must be the feeling you get when change occurs, great change occurs. It feels as if I've been born again. I know that sounds a little exaggerated-but honestly-I am experiencing the true meaning of the word rejuvenation. Maybe it is that I am feeling a disconnect from everything I knew in Abilene, and while that is occurring, something is connecting here. A season of change is all.

I have been keeping in the back of my mind that rejuvenation does not last forever, because this newness in Austin and all the change will suddenly become normal life. I have been eagerly praying that I will just ride the waves of each day with a positive spirit and once the crash comes, it will be far from a crash. That it will just be a leveling, a way of life that I learn to love even amidst the leveling. So far my mindset is noticeably different. It brings tears to my eyes, truthfully. I am beyond grateful for what I have in my life. Words cannot express the true happiness I feel. I pray so eagerly that this feeling will be instilled in all of those that I love, even those I do not know. I have been praying for a connection to this life while I am here. I might as well connect and live; most importantly: love as long as I am alive. Love is my main focus. I feel like as long as I am here, I might as well discover the gifts I have been given and paint strokes of happiness anywhere I go. As cliche as ever, life is truly too short.