wide awake

Tonight makes the second night I am unable to sleep.
It is 1:41 a.m. and I am exhausted, yet staring through my teary eyes at my computer screen. I'm unsure of how to explain what it is that is keeping me awake at night. This is one of those situations that I don't think words will do justice. My heart feels much more than words. A lot of times I think my heart is so enormously sensitive that it just overflows into tears because it has nowhere else to go. I genuinely just care so much for others that sometimes it keeps my mind stirring. (I mean that in no, toot-your-own-horn-kind-of-way.) That is where I find myself tonight. The only thing I knew to do was write.
I had the opportunity to meet my friend Sarah's Dad. In order to keep this short, I will leave out many details. So you can have an idea - her Dad has had 10-12 strokes from the age of 43 until now, 55. I had the opportunity of meeting him last weekend when we went to Dallas for the HHRB show. I was nervous because I knew my reactive heart would feel a lot. Therefore, I knew I would end up where I am right now: awake. I feel so much for him. When I think of him, and when I see his image in my mind, I cannot help but smile and feel a very strange connection to this man. I just see the importance of life in him. He represents what love is, what truth is, what acceptance and contentment is. It is unbelievable. He is completely out of control of his life; he is taken care of by nurses and family, he is limited to a wheelchair, and he is the sweetest and happiest man I have met in a long time. He absolutely radiates, glows, and is an outpour of the Lord. I really believe it. I can't say I have had many experiences where I can say I believe something like that, but I truly do. He is God's and that is all there is to it. God has complete control of him and his life. And he is completely happy. I think that speaks large and loud to us - to me.
On another note, today I really, really missed my Grampa. I have moments where I realize that I'll never see him again. I was making a flower arrangement again today and for some reason my mind went to my future. I thought of moments like when I have a career, when I get married, when I have kids, and my Grampa won't be there. Those things make it reality for me. It carried my thoughts to my Gramma, who is struggling terribly. Once again, my heart overflows with sympathy, for Gramma, my Dad, my family, and myself. I want to see my Grampa right now, and I want one of those infamous hugs... so, so bad. Instead I will just continue to find ways to accept and live inspired. That is all that I can take from these moments. Inspired is a good note to end on.

juneday

Today I prayed Psalm 19:14, "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer" first thing when I heard my alarm go off. I worked a full day, and concentrated on the two arrangements I needed to make. Those flowers had my full attention. I thought about the reaction they would create and I liked the thought. A man came in today looking a little down, as he informed me he and his wife had lost their dog of 16 years yesterday. He wanted a dozen roses to cheer her up. Sweet moments in the flower business - I love it. I like the opportunity of lending out a comforting word before the flowers speak. I have kept my dedication to 4 miles a day. My legs are sore from those long walks every day. I love it, it's relaxing. I really, really miss dance so far this summer. I keep dreaming of dancing. It felt a little like someone had put my life on pause today, a feeling that made it seem like I was living but not necessarily going forward. It was just a slow, summer day though and I realized how much I like moving forward. I don't mind a summer day. I sat with Bentley for a little bit tonight and thought about the missing piece of that puzzle. My two favorite boys. Now I find myself in my bed, in an air conditioned house and I am thankful. Thankful is a good note to end on.

charisma in reality

I find inspiration in various forms, in the smallest and largest ways. It seems that inspiration walks in and out of my everyday. Today it started small, with the mere beauty in a glimpse of sunshine, that lead to an unexplored day. I started the day off with coffee and a good conversation, two of my favorite things. Saying a small prayer and basking in the sun revamped any pessimism. Listening to realities and tough roads traveled in one's life pushed me a little out of my comfort, just enough to inspire me. Remembering my sweet Grampa, and admiring the world of art through dance moved me. It moved me to keep moving. Lately, I have been inspired by flowers. Flowers always serve a smile. They capture insane detail and color in a very intricate way. I have said it before, and I'll say it again. I have a great need to serve others, and I know this desire comes from people in my life like my Mom, Dad, my Grandparents and friends. I truly believe that flowers will provide a great role in my life in fulfilling my aspiration to serve. As the day comes to an end, I can only await another day to serve royally in an inspirational way.

caught between this and that

I have not written in so long. lindyfowler.blogspot is still alive, still anxious to write! I have either not had the time or have been fishing for something worth reading. I know you, whoever you are, are aching for something to read! ;)

Loving as Long as I Can Love

And Living as Long as I Can Live.
thankful for a best friend
thankful for life to live
thankful for family
thankful for my health
thankful for people
thankful for opportunity
thankful for love
thankful for encouragement
thankful for forgiveness
thankful for sharing
thankful for freedom
thankful for safety
thankful for god
thankful for blue skies
thankful for music
thankful for example
thankful for flowers
thankful for more than a list could compile

Knockin' on Heaven's Door

I'll miss your hugs. The ones that squeeze me so tight that I cannot grab a breath of air. I'll miss your humongous smile that literally lights up the room. I'll miss sensing the passionate, servant-like vibe overflowing from your heart. You were a servant. I have talked to you since you left your earthly body. I wonder if you can hear me. I don't know how to handle this too well, Grampa. It brings an unfamiliar emotion, which leaves me feeling like a stranger in my own body. I like to think about you in heaven. It really makes me smile. It brings a few tears to my eyes at the same time. Even now. I'm nervous. I am scared -- for Dad, Gramma, and the rest of the family. We will be ok. It's ironic that death brings the importance of life to those that survived. My fear of death has to diminish, otherwise I will forget to live. It's comforting to know what a wonderful man you were. You loved us all so much, and so many others in this world. What an amazing person you were. I want to achieve the same. Allow me to do that. Send me encouragement, ok? I love you forever.

Freckles of Wonder

She is an incessant dreamer. The blank stare on her face is the daily gaze where she let's her soul swim. The chair she continually finds herself in is the chair that will one day turn into her dreams. She will no longer sit and dream, and a dream will no longer be called a dream. It will be reality.
She is a lover. It's what she knows how to do best. Her heart is ever so sensitive. She is a listener and an observer. She grows from her sensitivity to the world around her. She desires to match her words and her actions in a consistent fashion.
She fell for the one with blue eyes and a large heart. She never knew what real love was until he came along. It is not always easy, but it is always worth it. It is fragile and beautiful.
She likes a sunny day and freshly painted nails. She likes a large cup of coffee in her hand at any time of the day, iced or hot. She likes learning --through a book, a movie, a friend, a performance. She likes to seek spirituality. She loves to love her family. Dancing replaces her loss for words. She has little freckles of wonder. This 'wonder' for discovery and need for a daily passionate life. She'll never stop wondering. She is full of hope and excitement for each day to come. She will have freckles forever.